I leave for Denver in 5 days. God has been faithful, and the money has been coming in. I'm almost halfway there. I've still got $665 to go. But I know He will come through, because He's God.
I'm starting to get excited about all that I'll be involved with once I'm there. It's the "getting there" part that's hard. I've been doing laundry for the past 2 days, and I have yet to pack. I still have to say goodbye to a lot of people, and I have to do a lot of other things that I'm worried about cramming into this weekend. One thing that I am definitely taking time out for, is watching my brother get baptized Saturday night! He's decided to rededicate his life to the Lord, and so he wants to get baptized. I am so proud of him, and so thankful for the changes that have been happening over the last year. God is so good.
As excited as I am to go somewhere new, and to do the things God has planned for me, it will be hard leaving this place. I know it may sound pathetic, but I'm really sad about leaving my dogs. Not because I'll miss them (I will), but because they don't understand why I'm gone! For all they know, I could be dead. That's all...also, I'll really miss my nieces, and everyone else. But since this is what God has for me, I know it will be a great experience. Nothing I could have ever planned for myself. I know I will be stretched, and I will grow. I'll make new friends and I'll get a lot of ministry experience. I'll meet homeless people and kids from broken homes, and drug addicts...I'll tell them how much they are loved, and it will all be worth it in the end.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Monday, July 23, 2012
Lord have mercy...
I've never wanted to write this badly, yet not know how to begin, so I will just begin. There is no order to my thoughts on this post...
I said goodbye to Miranda and Jennifer today. Although, Miranda says it's not goodbye. I didn't think it would be hard, because I feel like we've been saying goodbye for a while now. But each time, I knew when I'd be seeing them again. Today was the day that I couldn't be sure of that. I was caught off guard. I wasn't sad up until THEE moment of saying goodbye. But she's right, it's not goodbye. I just have a hard time leaving people. I'm not good with transition.
-Except for in blog posts...I can transition really fast ;)
We finished college. I graduated from COLLEGE. Summer is almost over. I went on an awesome road trip with my best friends. I'm going to Denver in 2 weeks. I've struggled all summer with Denver stuff. God is stretching my faith. I'm becoming my own person. I can see by reading my old posts, that I DO only write in transitioning times and that I seem to have grown a little more with each post.
For instance, I don't go to counseling anymore, but I don't have that urgent need to talk to someone every time something doesn't go right. Not that there's anything wrong with counseling, I'd still go if I were still in Greenville. But my point is that I'm okay without it. I AM okay with myself now. I can actually begin living the way God wants me to, and start helping other people. I have my friends to thank for that. And ultimately God, for placing them in my life, and giving them patience with me ;)
I have never been so free. I don't feel weighed down with sadness. I don't feel the chains anymore. God has worked so much in my life, and I can see him working in my family. I'd say it's a miracle what he is doing in my brother and sister's life, and I know my parents are next.
I feel like God is testing me a lot this summer. In the back of my mind I've been totally trusting in God with this Denver thing. I thought, if God wants me there, He will provide. I believed both. I still do. I know God wants me in Denver, and I know He will provide. But the way I've been "faithful", is not doing anything about it. Because I expect God to do something.
Well, my good buddy Miranda Caulkins pointed out the fact that I was ignoring the helicopter and boat that God has sent, because I was waiting for a miracle to happen. I've had the resources all summer to fund for Denver, I just didn't believe in myself enough to do it. And now it's crunch time, and I'm overwhelmed, and I don't know what's going to happen. I've always known that I'm a procrastinator. But I didn't realize how bad it was until now. This was something important...something that I couldn't "b.s." or come up with over night. It effects my future, and I should have been working from the start.
I have 2 weeks to get sponsored for over $900. Lord have mercy... I'm not prepared for Denver, because I've always been uncertain about whether I'm actually going or not. I want to, but if I don't have the money? I can't. So I have 2 weeks to get the money, to pack, to clean, to do laundry, to say goodbye to family. I just figure I'll mentally prepare myself on the 15hr car ride (if I go). <- see what I mean? This is my life right now. chaos.
I said goodbye to Miranda and Jennifer today. Although, Miranda says it's not goodbye. I didn't think it would be hard, because I feel like we've been saying goodbye for a while now. But each time, I knew when I'd be seeing them again. Today was the day that I couldn't be sure of that. I was caught off guard. I wasn't sad up until THEE moment of saying goodbye. But she's right, it's not goodbye. I just have a hard time leaving people. I'm not good with transition.
-Except for in blog posts...I can transition really fast ;)
We finished college. I graduated from COLLEGE. Summer is almost over. I went on an awesome road trip with my best friends. I'm going to Denver in 2 weeks. I've struggled all summer with Denver stuff. God is stretching my faith. I'm becoming my own person. I can see by reading my old posts, that I DO only write in transitioning times and that I seem to have grown a little more with each post.
For instance, I don't go to counseling anymore, but I don't have that urgent need to talk to someone every time something doesn't go right. Not that there's anything wrong with counseling, I'd still go if I were still in Greenville. But my point is that I'm okay without it. I AM okay with myself now. I can actually begin living the way God wants me to, and start helping other people. I have my friends to thank for that. And ultimately God, for placing them in my life, and giving them patience with me ;)
I have never been so free. I don't feel weighed down with sadness. I don't feel the chains anymore. God has worked so much in my life, and I can see him working in my family. I'd say it's a miracle what he is doing in my brother and sister's life, and I know my parents are next.
I feel like God is testing me a lot this summer. In the back of my mind I've been totally trusting in God with this Denver thing. I thought, if God wants me there, He will provide. I believed both. I still do. I know God wants me in Denver, and I know He will provide. But the way I've been "faithful", is not doing anything about it. Because I expect God to do something.
Well, my good buddy Miranda Caulkins pointed out the fact that I was ignoring the helicopter and boat that God has sent, because I was waiting for a miracle to happen. I've had the resources all summer to fund for Denver, I just didn't believe in myself enough to do it. And now it's crunch time, and I'm overwhelmed, and I don't know what's going to happen. I've always known that I'm a procrastinator. But I didn't realize how bad it was until now. This was something important...something that I couldn't "b.s." or come up with over night. It effects my future, and I should have been working from the start.
I have 2 weeks to get sponsored for over $900. Lord have mercy... I'm not prepared for Denver, because I've always been uncertain about whether I'm actually going or not. I want to, but if I don't have the money? I can't. So I have 2 weeks to get the money, to pack, to clean, to do laundry, to say goodbye to family. I just figure I'll mentally prepare myself on the 15hr car ride (if I go). <- see what I mean? This is my life right now. chaos.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Redemption
Last year I would have told you: "I am redeemed". I believed that I was changed for good, and the deed was done. God made me new. I stopped cutting. I stopped hating myself for the things I did in the past.
But, God is still redeeming me. There are still things I'm working through to become the person who God created me to be. He is still redeeming me. He never gives up. He is enthralled with me, and that is just amazing. I don't get it. I am so absorbed with the things of this world. I have idols. I am dependent. I rely on other people to tell me how to live my life. Why would God love me? (why would He even put up with me, much less be ENTHRALLED with me?) I should be asking HIM how to live my life, I should be putting Him first. And when I don't, He still loves me.
I want to change so that I can live my life to give Him glory. I want God to be the center of my thoughts. I want to make Him proud.
I don't know if anyone will read this, but if so, pray that I find the courage to change.
"O Israel, hope in the Lord! For with the Lord there is steadfast love, and with him is plentiful redemption." -Psalm 130:7
But, God is still redeeming me. There are still things I'm working through to become the person who God created me to be. He is still redeeming me. He never gives up. He is enthralled with me, and that is just amazing. I don't get it. I am so absorbed with the things of this world. I have idols. I am dependent. I rely on other people to tell me how to live my life. Why would God love me? (why would He even put up with me, much less be ENTHRALLED with me?) I should be asking HIM how to live my life, I should be putting Him first. And when I don't, He still loves me.
I want to change so that I can live my life to give Him glory. I want God to be the center of my thoughts. I want to make Him proud.
I don't know if anyone will read this, but if so, pray that I find the courage to change.
"O Israel, hope in the Lord! For with the Lord there is steadfast love, and with him is plentiful redemption." -Psalm 130:7
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Facing the Shadow.
I have a tendency to write in my journal at transitioning times. I was going through my stuff tonight, trying to get some things in order to pack up for summer, and I came across the journal that I have written in to document things going on in college. The last entry I wrote was basically about how I was having suicidal thoughts, which at the time, were basically brought on by stress, and how I wanted things to change. In my journal it says this:
“Miranda told me about a story she read in her fantasy lit class- a boy named Jed runs from the darkness that follows him (his shadow)- in the end he has to finally face the shadow, and he does- and he names it. The shadow’s name is Jed. (He was running from himself).
Miranda told me I needed to face my shadow and name it – instead of run.
I love her ☺ but…this is hard.”
Those were my words Dec. 5th 2010. It’s crazy to think how far I’ve come. Because of my roommate’s tough love, I went to counseling, and I’ve been going for the last 10 weeks or so. My last session was last week, because this week is finals and then I’ll be gone for the summer. But I’m excited. Because after rereading that journal entry, I realized that somewhere in February I finally built up the courage to face my shadow, and at the time, I thought- “I don’t know if this will ever get fixed” but now I can say that it IS getting fixed. And I’ve made the decision to fix ‘it’. Naming my shadow has been a slow process, because it’s hard to really think about my life in depth when I have school and work and other things to think about first. But I am trying, and I hope I can use the tools I’ve been given to work things out this summer, when I don’t have so many things to be responsible for. I know that I’m pretty far off from being okay with myself, and understanding why I am the way I am, but I also know that this is a step that I have not taken before, and I’m closer to my goals than I’ve ever been.
I am being redeemed.
“Miranda told me about a story she read in her fantasy lit class- a boy named Jed runs from the darkness that follows him (his shadow)- in the end he has to finally face the shadow, and he does- and he names it. The shadow’s name is Jed. (He was running from himself).
Miranda told me I needed to face my shadow and name it – instead of run.
I love her ☺ but…this is hard.”
Those were my words Dec. 5th 2010. It’s crazy to think how far I’ve come. Because of my roommate’s tough love, I went to counseling, and I’ve been going for the last 10 weeks or so. My last session was last week, because this week is finals and then I’ll be gone for the summer. But I’m excited. Because after rereading that journal entry, I realized that somewhere in February I finally built up the courage to face my shadow, and at the time, I thought- “I don’t know if this will ever get fixed” but now I can say that it IS getting fixed. And I’ve made the decision to fix ‘it’. Naming my shadow has been a slow process, because it’s hard to really think about my life in depth when I have school and work and other things to think about first. But I am trying, and I hope I can use the tools I’ve been given to work things out this summer, when I don’t have so many things to be responsible for. I know that I’m pretty far off from being okay with myself, and understanding why I am the way I am, but I also know that this is a step that I have not taken before, and I’m closer to my goals than I’ve ever been.
I am being redeemed.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Finding your identity.
God brought me back to my Galilee over Christmas Break. We had a reunion for everyone who was in my youth group from 1996 to 2010. It was weird. We had worship, my youth pastor/leaders spoke. And I was prayed over by the same people who used to pray over me when I was 12. I was reminded of good memories and some bad ones. But one thing I remembered was how much I was in love with God back then, and all the things I said yes to. God put ministry on my heart, and I said heck yes! Now it’s more like…ehhh ok God. I know I’ve always leaned towards that direction, which is why I’m an Urban Cross-Cultural ministry major. But I haven’t been passionate about it. I’ve lost site of who I am. “Who I am hates who I’ve been”- song playing while writing this ^. Irony?
God brought me back to that place where I did so much growing up, and I was just reminded of how I need to keep finding my identity in HIM, and nothing or no one else.
My youth pastor told the story of Joseph, and how his father gave him his coat, and he told him he was royalty, he was favored among his brothers. When he was sold into slavery, he could’ve given up, and said okay, life’s over, I’m a slave. But he knew deep down that he was royalty, that he was God’s. And because he knew that, he kept a good attitude, he stayed humble, and true to himself, and before he knew it, he was 2nd most powerful ruler in all of……wherever he was. He was my age when he was a slave…but he knew where he stood, and that’s how he got through some of the worst days of his life.
WE have to find our identity, and be secure in it. Our identity is found in God. He proclaims our worth, he loves us and values us, and we were created FOR Him. No one else can label us…no one but God.
I was reminded that I was created for a purpose, and that it’s never too early or too late to find your purpose.
I Peter 4:10 –“Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering god’s grace in its various forms.”
No one else has the same combination of gifts that you do, because God created each one of us differently, and with a purpose.
It’s funny b/c I watched “Happy Feet” for the first time over break, and mumble was different from all the other penguins, and that’s what made him so special, so unique. Because he tap danced instead of sang!
I’m not much of a singer, or a tap dancer, but God created me to do something different. He created all of us to stand out.
Colossians 4:5
“Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity.”
God brought me back to that place where I did so much growing up, and I was just reminded of how I need to keep finding my identity in HIM, and nothing or no one else.
My youth pastor told the story of Joseph, and how his father gave him his coat, and he told him he was royalty, he was favored among his brothers. When he was sold into slavery, he could’ve given up, and said okay, life’s over, I’m a slave. But he knew deep down that he was royalty, that he was God’s. And because he knew that, he kept a good attitude, he stayed humble, and true to himself, and before he knew it, he was 2nd most powerful ruler in all of……wherever he was. He was my age when he was a slave…but he knew where he stood, and that’s how he got through some of the worst days of his life.
WE have to find our identity, and be secure in it. Our identity is found in God. He proclaims our worth, he loves us and values us, and we were created FOR Him. No one else can label us…no one but God.
I was reminded that I was created for a purpose, and that it’s never too early or too late to find your purpose.
I Peter 4:10 –“Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering god’s grace in its various forms.”
No one else has the same combination of gifts that you do, because God created each one of us differently, and with a purpose.
It’s funny b/c I watched “Happy Feet” for the first time over break, and mumble was different from all the other penguins, and that’s what made him so special, so unique. Because he tap danced instead of sang!
I’m not much of a singer, or a tap dancer, but God created me to do something different. He created all of us to stand out.
Colossians 4:5
“Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity.”
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Sooner or Later
[Verse 1]
Pull the hair back from your eyes
Let the people see your pretty face
Try not to say anything weird
Save your questions without answers
'Til your old enough to know that things ain't as they appeared
Before you go out in the sun
Cover your skin and don't get burned
Beware the cancer, it might kill you when you're old
Be first in line, raise your hand
Remember everything you hear
And playing in the rain is worth catching cold
[Chorus]
Sooner or later
We'll be lookin' back on everything
And we'll laugh about it like we knew what all was happening
And someday you might listen to what people have to say
Now you learn the hard way
[Verse 2]
We only want what's best for you
That's why we tell you what to do
And nevermind if nothing makes sense
'Cause it all works out in the end
You're just like us without a friend
But you can build a privacy fence (Yeah)
[Repeat Chorus]
[Verse 3]
Somethings you have to learn them all on your own
You can't rely on anybody else
Or the point of view of a source unknown
If it feels good and sounds nice
Then it's your choice don't doubt yourself
Don't even think twice
Pull the hair back from your eyes
Let the people see your pretty face
You know they like it when you smile (Find a reason to smile)
Try not to focus on yourself
Share that love with someone else
Don't let the bitters bring you down (Down)
Don't let anything bring you down
Pull the hair back from your eyes
Let the people see your pretty face
Try not to say anything weird
Save your questions without answers
'Til your old enough to know that things ain't as they appeared
Before you go out in the sun
Cover your skin and don't get burned
Beware the cancer, it might kill you when you're old
Be first in line, raise your hand
Remember everything you hear
And playing in the rain is worth catching cold
[Chorus]
Sooner or later
We'll be lookin' back on everything
And we'll laugh about it like we knew what all was happening
And someday you might listen to what people have to say
Now you learn the hard way
[Verse 2]
We only want what's best for you
That's why we tell you what to do
And nevermind if nothing makes sense
'Cause it all works out in the end
You're just like us without a friend
But you can build a privacy fence (Yeah)
[Repeat Chorus]
[Verse 3]
Somethings you have to learn them all on your own
You can't rely on anybody else
Or the point of view of a source unknown
If it feels good and sounds nice
Then it's your choice don't doubt yourself
Don't even think twice
Pull the hair back from your eyes
Let the people see your pretty face
You know they like it when you smile (Find a reason to smile)
Try not to focus on yourself
Share that love with someone else
Don't let the bitters bring you down (Down)
Don't let anything bring you down
Monday, November 22, 2010
alternatives: writing
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
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