Finding your identity.

God brought me back to my Galilee over Christmas Break. We had a reunion for everyone who was in my youth group from 1996 to 2010. It was weird. We had worship, my youth pastor/leaders spoke. And I was prayed over by the same people who used to pray over me when I was 12. I was reminded of good memories and some bad ones. But one thing I remembered was how much I was in love with God back then, and all the things I said yes to. God put ministry on my heart, and I said heck yes! Now it’s more like…ehhh ok God. I know I’ve always leaned towards that direction, which is why I’m an Urban Cross-Cultural ministry major. But I haven’t been passionate about it. I’ve lost site of who I am. “Who I am hates who I’ve been”- song playing while writing this ^. Irony?

God brought me back to that place where I did so much growing up, and I was just reminded of how I need to keep finding my identity in HIM, and nothing or no one else.

My youth pastor told the story of Joseph, and how his father gave him his coat, and he told him he was royalty, he was favored among his brothers. When he was sold into slavery, he could’ve given up, and said okay, life’s over, I’m a slave. But he knew deep down that he was royalty, that he was God’s. And because he knew that, he kept a good attitude, he stayed humble, and true to himself, and before he knew it, he was 2nd most powerful ruler in all of……wherever he was. He was my age when he was a slave…but he knew where he stood, and that’s how he got through some of the worst days of his life.
WE have to find our identity, and be secure in it. Our identity is found in God. He proclaims our worth, he loves us and values us, and we were created FOR Him. No one else can label us…no one but God.


I was reminded that I was created for a purpose, and that it’s never too early or too late to find your purpose.
I Peter 4:10 –“Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering god’s grace in its various forms.”


No one else has the same combination of gifts that you do, because God created each one of us differently, and with a purpose.

It’s funny b/c I watched “Happy Feet” for the first time over break, and mumble was different from all the other penguins, and that’s what made him so special, so unique. Because he tap danced instead of sang!
I’m not much of a singer, or a tap dancer, but God created me to do something different. He created all of us to stand out.

Colossians 4:5
“Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity.”

Sooner or Later

[Verse 1]
Pull the hair back from your eyes
Let the people see your pretty face
Try not to say anything weird

Save your questions without answers
'Til your old enough to know that things ain't as they appeared

Before you go out in the sun
Cover your skin and don't get burned
Beware the cancer, it might kill you when you're old

Be first in line, raise your hand
Remember everything you hear
And playing in the rain is worth catching cold

[Chorus]
Sooner or later
We'll be lookin' back on everything
And we'll laugh about it like we knew what all was happening
And someday you might listen to what people have to say
Now you learn the hard way

[Verse 2]
We only want what's best for you
That's why we tell you what to do
And nevermind if nothing makes sense

'Cause it all works out in the end
You're just like us without a friend
But you can build a privacy fence (Yeah)

[Repeat Chorus]

[Verse 3]
Somethings you have to learn them all on your own
You can't rely on anybody else
Or the point of view of a source unknown
If it feels good and sounds nice
Then it's your choice don't doubt yourself
Don't even think twice

Pull the hair back from your eyes
Let the people see your pretty face
You know they like it when you smile (Find a reason to smile)

Try not to focus on yourself
Share that love with someone else
Don't let the bitters bring you down (Down)
Don't let anything bring you down

alternatives: writing

I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself

backward notions

Always wrong
Always fail
Never good enough
Never prevail

The world of comparison has you by your wrists,
You want to look away but you know you can’t resist.

It’s a cycle and you are the wheel,
It’s the pebbles in the road that make you ask if this is real.

A rock comes a long and you fall to the ground.
You find your composure, hoping not to make a sound.

It’s all about perspective, a friend says to make it right.
But the lens I’m looking through is an unavoidable plight.

If only you were different,
You think quietly to yourself,
If only you could just be
Somebody else.

Backward notions, I know this is true,
But the honest truth right now is
I’m wishing I were you.

gah

I don't like this feeling.

less than a person.

It's not healthy, the way I think.

I'm not okay with who I am.

So many times I've felt like there was a break through.

But I keep coming back to this place where I feel empty.

Worthless.

Nothing.

I compare myself to wonderful people.

I wish I could be like them.

I wish I was normal.

But I was told that no one wakes up and says "wow I'm glad I'm normal today"

No one is normal.

But why did God make me so needy? Or is it just me.

Did I do this to myself?

I want to be content with who I am.

But I feel like I need to change in order to be content.

Which means I'll never be.

I get mad at God sometimes, knowing he could've made me different.

I know I wasn't promised happiness in this life, but is that the same as contentment?

I am in the way of fulfilling my purpose.

I am in the way of love.

I am in the way of happiness.

I am in the way.

Everything is upside down.

I have a lot to say, but no words to speak.

Does that make sense to you?

There are so many things going on inside my head, good and bad. So many things that hurt, and yet so many that give me hope. It was said at Bible study a few days ago, that Satan doesn’t have time for us. That we aren’t a threat to him, so why would he try to make us miserable? (something along those lines) Well I don’t believe that. I think Satan is in my head every day, because I’m in a constant state of sadness. Either that, or I just have a corrupt mind.

Chains are hard to break. The songs we sing in worship make it sound so simple. But once the music stops, I’m stuck with my same routine and the same thoughts in my head about the past. I feel like I’m in a body, with a brain that can’t fulfill the purpose God gave me. I can’t do what I’m called to do, because of stupid insecurities.

There are so many things going on around me, so many great things happening, so many opportunities, but I’m not involved in any of them, because of the above statement.

So many times I thought it was going to be different. Change was there, it was right in front of me. I don’t know what happened. I’m a completely different person than I was last year. Mainly I’ve changed for the better, but there’s a part of me that I miss. I’m afraid to be out of my comfort zone. I’m not bold anymore. I don’t know how to talk to people. I’ve never been much of a leader, but I was never afraid to step up if I had to. Now it’s like I try to hide every time.

I used to be able to encourage people, now I don’t know what to say to anyone to make them feel better. I hurt when other people hurt, great, but what’s the point in being able to be empathetic if I can’t help them? It hurts me so bad when people I love are sad or frustrated, and I can’t do anything for them. I know they could care less if I helped them, but it’s a part of who I am to help. I think Empathy being called a "strength" is an oxy moron.

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so wrapped up in people. Maybe that sounds weird, but it’s true. I care so much about other people and I love so deeply, that I allow myself to get hurt everyday. And I do.

I know God is bigger than any of this, I’m probably just approaching everything the wrong way. I don’t know what I need, but I need something. God help me.