I have a lot to say, but no words to speak.
Does that make sense to you?
There are so many things going on inside my head, good and bad. So many things that hurt, and yet so many that give me hope. It was said at Bible study a few days ago, that Satan doesn’t have time for us. That we aren’t a threat to him, so why would he try to make us miserable? (something along those lines) Well I don’t believe that. I think Satan is in my head every day, because I’m in a constant state of sadness. Either that, or I just have a corrupt mind.
Chains are hard to break. The songs we sing in worship make it sound so simple. But once the music stops, I’m stuck with my same routine and the same thoughts in my head about the past. I feel like I’m in a body, with a brain that can’t fulfill the purpose God gave me. I can’t do what I’m called to do, because of stupid insecurities.
There are so many things going on around me, so many great things happening, so many opportunities, but I’m not involved in any of them, because of the above statement.
So many times I thought it was going to be different. Change was there, it was right in front of me. I don’t know what happened. I’m a completely different person than I was last year. Mainly I’ve changed for the better, but there’s a part of me that I miss. I’m afraid to be out of my comfort zone. I’m not bold anymore. I don’t know how to talk to people. I’ve never been much of a leader, but I was never afraid to step up if I had to. Now it’s like I try to hide every time.
I used to be able to encourage people, now I don’t know what to say to anyone to make them feel better. I hurt when other people hurt, great, but what’s the point in being able to be empathetic if I can’t help them? It hurts me so bad when people I love are sad or frustrated, and I can’t do anything for them. I know they could care less if I helped them, but it’s a part of who I am to help. I think Empathy being called a "strength" is an oxy moron.
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so wrapped up in people. Maybe that sounds weird, but it’s true. I care so much about other people and I love so deeply, that I allow myself to get hurt everyday. And I do.
I know God is bigger than any of this, I’m probably just approaching everything the wrong way. I don’t know what I need, but I need something. God help me.
