I have a tendency to write in my journal at transitioning times. I was going through my stuff tonight, trying to get some things in order to pack up for summer, and I came across the journal that I have written in to document things going on in college. The last entry I wrote was basically about how I was having suicidal thoughts, which at the time, were basically brought on by stress, and how I wanted things to change. In my journal it says this:
“Miranda told me about a story she read in her fantasy lit class- a boy named Jed runs from the darkness that follows him (his shadow)- in the end he has to finally face the shadow, and he does- and he names it. The shadow’s name is Jed. (He was running from himself).
Miranda told me I needed to face my shadow and name it – instead of run.
I love her ☺ but…this is hard.”
Those were my words Dec. 5th 2010. It’s crazy to think how far I’ve come. Because of my roommate’s tough love, I went to counseling, and I’ve been going for the last 10 weeks or so. My last session was last week, because this week is finals and then I’ll be gone for the summer. But I’m excited. Because after rereading that journal entry, I realized that somewhere in February I finally built up the courage to face my shadow, and at the time, I thought- “I don’t know if this will ever get fixed” but now I can say that it IS getting fixed. And I’ve made the decision to fix ‘it’. Naming my shadow has been a slow process, because it’s hard to really think about my life in depth when I have school and work and other things to think about first. But I am trying, and I hope I can use the tools I’ve been given to work things out this summer, when I don’t have so many things to be responsible for. I know that I’m pretty far off from being okay with myself, and understanding why I am the way I am, but I also know that this is a step that I have not taken before, and I’m closer to my goals than I’ve ever been.
I am being redeemed.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Finding your identity.
God brought me back to my Galilee over Christmas Break. We had a reunion for everyone who was in my youth group from 1996 to 2010. It was weird. We had worship, my youth pastor/leaders spoke. And I was prayed over by the same people who used to pray over me when I was 12. I was reminded of good memories and some bad ones. But one thing I remembered was how much I was in love with God back then, and all the things I said yes to. God put ministry on my heart, and I said heck yes! Now it’s more like…ehhh ok God. I know I’ve always leaned towards that direction, which is why I’m an Urban Cross-Cultural ministry major. But I haven’t been passionate about it. I’ve lost site of who I am. “Who I am hates who I’ve been”- song playing while writing this ^. Irony?
God brought me back to that place where I did so much growing up, and I was just reminded of how I need to keep finding my identity in HIM, and nothing or no one else.
My youth pastor told the story of Joseph, and how his father gave him his coat, and he told him he was royalty, he was favored among his brothers. When he was sold into slavery, he could’ve given up, and said okay, life’s over, I’m a slave. But he knew deep down that he was royalty, that he was God’s. And because he knew that, he kept a good attitude, he stayed humble, and true to himself, and before he knew it, he was 2nd most powerful ruler in all of……wherever he was. He was my age when he was a slave…but he knew where he stood, and that’s how he got through some of the worst days of his life.
WE have to find our identity, and be secure in it. Our identity is found in God. He proclaims our worth, he loves us and values us, and we were created FOR Him. No one else can label us…no one but God.
I was reminded that I was created for a purpose, and that it’s never too early or too late to find your purpose.
I Peter 4:10 –“Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering god’s grace in its various forms.”
No one else has the same combination of gifts that you do, because God created each one of us differently, and with a purpose.
It’s funny b/c I watched “Happy Feet” for the first time over break, and mumble was different from all the other penguins, and that’s what made him so special, so unique. Because he tap danced instead of sang!
I’m not much of a singer, or a tap dancer, but God created me to do something different. He created all of us to stand out.
Colossians 4:5
“Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity.”
God brought me back to that place where I did so much growing up, and I was just reminded of how I need to keep finding my identity in HIM, and nothing or no one else.
My youth pastor told the story of Joseph, and how his father gave him his coat, and he told him he was royalty, he was favored among his brothers. When he was sold into slavery, he could’ve given up, and said okay, life’s over, I’m a slave. But he knew deep down that he was royalty, that he was God’s. And because he knew that, he kept a good attitude, he stayed humble, and true to himself, and before he knew it, he was 2nd most powerful ruler in all of……wherever he was. He was my age when he was a slave…but he knew where he stood, and that’s how he got through some of the worst days of his life.
WE have to find our identity, and be secure in it. Our identity is found in God. He proclaims our worth, he loves us and values us, and we were created FOR Him. No one else can label us…no one but God.
I was reminded that I was created for a purpose, and that it’s never too early or too late to find your purpose.
I Peter 4:10 –“Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering god’s grace in its various forms.”
No one else has the same combination of gifts that you do, because God created each one of us differently, and with a purpose.
It’s funny b/c I watched “Happy Feet” for the first time over break, and mumble was different from all the other penguins, and that’s what made him so special, so unique. Because he tap danced instead of sang!
I’m not much of a singer, or a tap dancer, but God created me to do something different. He created all of us to stand out.
Colossians 4:5
“Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity.”
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