Facing the Shadow.

I have a tendency to write in my journal at transitioning times. I was going through my stuff tonight, trying to get some things in order to pack up for summer, and I came across the journal that I have written in to document things going on in college. The last entry I wrote was basically about how I was having suicidal thoughts, which at the time, were basically brought on by stress, and how I wanted things to change. In my journal it says this:

“Miranda told me about a story she read in her fantasy lit class- a boy named Jed runs from the darkness that follows him (his shadow)- in the end he has to finally face the shadow, and he does- and he names it. The shadow’s name is Jed. (He was running from himself).

Miranda told me I needed to face my shadow and name it – instead of run.
I love her ☺ but…this is hard.”

Those were my words Dec. 5th 2010. It’s crazy to think how far I’ve come. Because of my roommate’s tough love, I went to counseling, and I’ve been going for the last 10 weeks or so. My last session was last week, because this week is finals and then I’ll be gone for the summer. But I’m excited. Because after rereading that journal entry, I realized that somewhere in February I finally built up the courage to face my shadow, and at the time, I thought- “I don’t know if this will ever get fixed” but now I can say that it IS getting fixed. And I’ve made the decision to fix ‘it’. Naming my shadow has been a slow process, because it’s hard to really think about my life in depth when I have school and work and other things to think about first. But I am trying, and I hope I can use the tools I’ve been given to work things out this summer, when I don’t have so many things to be responsible for. I know that I’m pretty far off from being okay with myself, and understanding why I am the way I am, but I also know that this is a step that I have not taken before, and I’m closer to my goals than I’ve ever been.

I am being redeemed.