Lord have mercy...

I've never wanted to write this badly, yet not know how to begin, so I will just begin. There is no order to my thoughts on this post...

 I said goodbye to Miranda and Jennifer today. Although, Miranda says it's not goodbye. I didn't think it would be hard, because I feel like we've been saying goodbye for a while now. But each time, I knew when I'd be seeing them again. Today was the day that I couldn't be sure of that. I was caught off guard. I wasn't sad up until THEE moment of saying goodbye. But she's right, it's not goodbye. I just have a hard time leaving people. I'm not good with transition.

 -Except for in blog posts...I can transition really fast ;)

We finished college. I graduated from COLLEGE. Summer is almost over. I went on an awesome road trip with my best friends. I'm going to Denver in 2 weeks. I've struggled all summer with Denver stuff. God is stretching my faith. I'm becoming my own person. I can see by reading my old posts, that I DO only write in transitioning times and that I seem to have grown a little more with each post.

For instance, I don't go to counseling anymore, but I don't have that urgent need to talk to someone every time something doesn't go right. Not that there's anything wrong with counseling, I'd still go if I were still in Greenville. But my point is that I'm okay without it. I AM okay with myself now. I can actually begin living the way God wants me to, and start helping other people. I have my friends to thank for that. And ultimately God, for placing them in my life, and giving them patience with me ;)

 I have never been so free. I don't feel weighed down with sadness. I don't feel the chains anymore. God has worked so much in my life, and I can see him working in my family. I'd say it's a miracle what he is doing in my brother and sister's life, and I know my parents are next.

I feel like God is testing me a lot this summer. In the back of my mind I've been totally trusting in God with this Denver thing. I thought, if God wants me there, He will provide. I believed both. I still do. I know God wants me in Denver, and I know He will provide. But the way I've been "faithful", is not doing anything about it. Because I expect God to do something.

Well, my good buddy Miranda Caulkins pointed out the fact that I was ignoring the helicopter and boat that God has sent, because I was waiting for a miracle to happen. I've had the resources all summer to fund for Denver, I just didn't believe in myself enough to do it. And now it's crunch time, and I'm overwhelmed, and I don't know what's going to happen. I've always known that I'm a procrastinator. But I didn't realize how bad it was until now. This was something important...something that I couldn't "b.s." or come up with over night. It effects my future, and I should have been working from the start.

I have 2 weeks to get sponsored for over $900. Lord have mercy... I'm not prepared for Denver, because I've always been uncertain about whether I'm actually going or not. I want to, but if I don't have the money? I can't. So I have 2 weeks to get the money, to pack, to clean, to do laundry, to say goodbye to family. I just figure I'll mentally prepare myself on the 15hr car ride (if I go). <- see what I mean? This is my life right now. chaos.